"The Murky Middle"

What's "The Murky Middle" And How The Heck Do I Get Out Of It?

"The Murky Middle" like Imposter Syndrome but instead of the feeling of not being good enough, or smart enough, you feel as though the talent or skill you do have isn't being used in the way you want it to be. Frustration stems from you feeling misaligned.

That's how Christina Whittaker explained it on her TEDxAlpharettaWomen talk on Youtube. A video I accidentally clicked on looking for deeper insight on Imposter Syndrome and how other people identified with it.

For me, there were always some relatable traits on how my "imposter syndrome" played out, except the descriptions kept mentioning not feeling adequate in the work place specifically. Feeling like a fraud for landing in rooms or among people you would consider smarter, or more experienced. It was always career geared. What about when it's not only work place related?

The same feelings but not that you're not enough, instead, that the opportunities placed in front of you, or the rooms you do land in does not exactly allow you to flex the muscle you'd like. You feel stuck in spaces that don't give you the satisfaction of feeling accomplished because they're not exactly in-line with the goals you've set out for yourself, or the conversation you'd like to be apart of.

To me, it's slightly worse than self-doubt. It's saying I know I can but I can't see it for me right here, right now. "The Murky Middle" is Imposter Syndrome's cousin who's staying over for the weekend but never wants to do what everyone else is doing.

The depressive state I spent last year fighting off, was in large part due to this exact feeling. Feeling like I hadn't been able to fully express myself through my work. Whether it be time, space, resources, and most times all those things at once. Not feeling creative enough, or just not being in the right headspace out of frustration or mental exhaustion. And then it becomes a revolving cycle.

Home life was constantly conflicting with my need get out there and get creative. My husband always had to work, therefore a lot of the parenting and household duties fell on me and by the time I had time to tend to my things, I was beat! And burnt out. Aside from the fact that Milan's work is what was and still is paying the bills there really wasn't much room for me to demand that time-or at least, that's how I felt.

Late 2021 we made some big purchases and spent that year and the following year in debt and engulfed in pressure, wondering if we could handle it. Where most people sold their homes and all their belongings to kick start their RV life, we didn't have that option. So money and spending it became a cringey subject, let alone to fund this dream of mine which at one point was my lifestyle.

That feeling of being close to a breakthrough and then have it halt all of a sudden was a shock, not knowing how to express that and most times feeling like I had to suppress those feelings was suffocating. Not being on the same wave length regarding this and essentially other things with your partner can leave you in a whirlwind of emotion and doubt and well...need I say more.

Last summer was a summer of healing. Deep-digging, soul-searching healing. It's forced me to look at what I want my life to look like for me. Understanding the content I share or the subjects I speak on should be a direct reflection of my story and where I am mentally, emotionally and even spiritually in the present. But forcing or expecting perfection and not wanting to do anything until it's achieved, will only perpetuate the stagnancy I feel.

"The Murky Middle" wanders through every so often, I'm just in a better headspace to navigate those feelings a little better. I've drafted up somewhat of a strategy to get to where I want to be and I am fully committed to pouring into all that comes to my spirit when it comes to my craft.

I also, more than ever understand that being teachable is a superpower but being open and willing to being a self-starter will unlock some doors too. For someone who hasn't had concrete industry experience for a long time, it's something that I hold insecure feelings around. For someone who has grown up in a world where education and a degree does not hold the value it once did, I'm on a quest to learn as  I go and figure out how to implement it whichever way it applies.

Vulnerability isn't second nature to me, it's definitely a muscle I've had to work at developing, but I find that when I can speak on what's cooped up in this head of mine, it sounds less crazy and I feel a little less ridiculous. Sharing this vulnerability can be crippling at times, but I started this blog with the purpose of being transparent and open in hopes of connecting with and inspiring someone who may be feeling somethings and not knowing exactly how to word them. Because too many times I've been that somebody.

...and if you are that somebody (Aaliyah voice), I pray this phase you are in comes to pass, but first I pray you learn to embrace it, understand it and take something earthshakingly valuable from it before you let it go.

Leaving you with a quote that I thought was very fitting. Until next time...

-Kondja