I was not happy about this move. First of all, it wasn't even supposed to be a move just yet. We came to visit, stay for a while and be back. Back to our home, back to our routines and back to life as we've known it for the past 5 years.

I've always taken pride in being spontaneous and care-free. I'm easy going and pretty open to new things and ideas. I mean, I'm the girl who just up and moved her whole life to Europe on a whim. So then why is this time any different?

The level of anxiety I've felt over the last few months with our departure dates constantly being pushed back, has been intense. Similar to that sinking, disappointing feeling you get when you've been excited about leftovers all day, just to get home, open the refrigerator and realize someone else got to it first. That painstaking feeling of a few more months without the relief of a daycare or an overnight with "papa" to give you a little break - 'cause damn, you need it.

The other reasons sound a little too shallow to share, but for reference; self-proclaimed fashion blogger here. Hi. Yeah, I can't blog about the same 4 workout clothes I've had in heavy rotation, and not by choice.

I shared on an IG post [here and here] about the "move" back to The States and how eventually it was going to happen. It's something we've talked about over and over again for the last 3 years. Difference is that was the planned, organized with a timeline, town and a home (maybe) to arrive to- version. 25 year old me would've embraced this like a duck to water, but today years old me? Well, she's finding it hard to adjust to the all the newness and embrace it graciously. In other words...she's freaking out!

I feel like the only thing really keeping me afloat right now is knowing that we do eventually go home.

On the other hand, this whole ordeal has forced me to a place I'm not comfortable going to. My emotions. I was never good at feeling my feels, or talking about them for that matter. A lot of times I struggle even assigning a category for them. Am I sad, disappointed, frustrated? When you're unsure about what you're feeling most times it's easier to just move on from them out of fear of revealing a version of yourself that you don't want to, or that you're not used to. And while acknowledging that part, a word that keeps surfacing is vulnerability.

Vulnerability: willingness to show emotion or to allow one's weakness to be seen or known; willingness to risk being emotionally hurt.

Not good at being that either, but I am proud of how - since having a moment of reflection- I have been a lot more 1. intentional and 2. vocal about where I stand emotionally. It was a shock factor not having the chance to, in a sense, get closure from our previous life and not getting the opportunity to mentally prepare for all the newness and adjustments that came with "the new one". Sometimes life throws you major curve balls and you just have to try to bat it with both hands and a firm grip.

So, here we are navigating new terrain in every aspect and trying to excel in our life roles and at the same time being better versions of ourselves while embracing the growth along the way.

Edit: At the time, it was very challenging for me to write this without sounding nagging and ungrateful. I think I started and restarted writing this a few times. All it did was reaffirm how much I do not care for uncertainty. Usually, I'm relatively good at separating myself from anything that makes me feel unsure or uncertain. And in this case, it was situations far beyond my control, and being forced to wallow in it added that extra level of frustration.

And hence, the self discovery journey began. Too many unresolved emotions surfaced and the feeling of not being in tune with yourself or in control of your emotions is scary. Isn't it funny how we equate age to knowing yourself inside and out? In actuality it's the journey of life that dictates how and when you're going to need to dig a little deeper. As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20 and I'm grateful for these months that brought me closer to myself, and in turn to my family.

One thing I know for sure, is every path is destined. Purposeful and divinely orchestrated for you. Not every season is going to be the winning season and that's ok. Some seasons are there for you to do the ground work in preparation for what you've talked to God about. For me, RV'ing has lead me to tend to some inner works that have been long overdue. So keep doing the things you are called to do and that what your future self will thank you for. Sending you all the good vibes for the week ahead!

-Kondja

Swimsuit: Bebé By Dunja

Dress: Milena Bojic Atelier

Bag: Target

Shoes: Tony Bianco [similar]