This year took me for a loop and I was not ready. What started out as eagerness, enthusiasm, optimism, and overall contentment on turning the big 3-0. Quickly turned into confusion, frustration and a whole lot of adult anxiety. It seemed like I was being tested in all aspects of life.

The confidence that took me years to build came crashing down like a ton of bricks and up to now I still can’t pin point when and where the diversion began. Needless to say, my 30^th year was centered around relearning myself, rewiring my thinking, reengaging with my passions and taking on new approaches to things I thought I had on lock. Like motherhood. In the time that I was going through a mental renovation, my toddler decided to assume a completely new personality. Things that were a breeze for us like going to the park or just being with him by myself became such a struggle and mental mind fuck. At the time, I didn’t know what was going on and resentment decided to let itself in the back door.

Resentment toward myself for not being good enough and patient enough to handle my own child, resentment towards the husbae for not taking me seriously and making it seem like I was always overreacting, and lastly toward my son because what happened! You were always so good! What happened? Of course, at the time I didn’t know this is what I was feeling, only now that I’ve had time to process can I put this experience, this time into words. As I type I can’t help but feel ashamed that I allowed these emotions to consume me in this way.

So, motherhood took an unexpected turn, cool. Then self-doubt reintroduced itself, hello old frenemy. Wtf do you want now? Well, let me just say, self-doubt is a bastard. Constantly having mini panic attacks when you’re presented with opportunities you prayed for, only to suddenly feeling like you’re so unworthy and incapable of executing on them has to be one of the worst feeling ever. And then self-doubt comes in with the game winning bucket called comparison and envy. Cringe.

I’ve had to be intentional once I realized what was happening to my mental state. It was deteriorating slowly before me, but I wasn’t sure if anyone else realized it. How could they, after all, no one I know has mind reading powers. Being someone who’s a “don’t worry ill figure it out myself” kind of person, I’ve had to constantly talk myself into communicating my feelings, whether I think they’re trivial or not. By communicating what I was feeling, when I was feeling it, allowed me to acknowledge and expose the source of chaos and give it a name. Progress!

I decided to give going natural another chance. Moment of silence for my confidence. I know you’re probably thinking “okay, and..?” but no one told me the amount of “sitting with yourself” this would need. On top of getting braces! A goofy smile and untamed hair, this was elementary school all over again. Let’s face it guys, I’m a blogger. I take pictures of myself for fun. It’s a humbling, confidence crushing time and I’ve had to figure out different ways to build myself up.  We’ve managed to make some progress in that regard and my solution as of now is taking it a day at a time. Ask me again tomorrow and it may be a different story. I’ve always said being a blogger, takes a certain level of self-security (that I thought I had) but it’s brutal y’all. All I’m saying is, if you see me with a new chin, mind your business.

The year of 30 was a revolving door of Instagram vs reality scenarios, to the point where my whole being needed a moment of stillness to come to terms with the changes that need to happen and the work that needs to be done. I would say throw the whole year 30 away but I needed the wakeup call. I feel like this was God’s way of telling me to chill out, be present and stay grateful. Yes, a lot of things happened that left me confused, but a whole lot of amazing things happened too. By focusing on all the negatives, I let all the positives come and go without giving God the recognition and praise He deserves. Everything in my life was being taken for granted and God said “fine, I’ll just take some things away then”.

Faith and spirituality are both such a personal thing, to me, that I would never impose my beliefs onto another. But in the same breath, I’d be a selfish fool to think that I get to skip to the part where He grants me all my hearts desires without acknowledging Him first. Walking into 31, I’d like to first thank God for life. Overall, I am happy, I am healthy, my family- the same. We are all so blessed and we want for nothing. I’ll continue to work on myself with the understanding that I can't do it without Him. I will continue to give God the glory and thank Him for all He has done and for all that He’s going to do. I feel like if I can stay focused on that mindset, everything else will fall into place.

As I reread this thought piece, the word that keeps coming to mind is GRATITUDE. Which is something that we should all be practicing as a verb and not a noun. And so I'll leave you with this quote that writes... “the more you are in a state of gratitude, the more you will attract things to be grateful for.”  

Cheers to making 31 one to remember, to staying grateful, to living intentionally, to manifesting abundance, and to praising God in the hallway until He opens the next door.

-Kondja

Suit: Thrifted

Bra: Women’s Secret

Socks: Fendi

Necklaces: Ombu Homemade